it's not fair '' helena

[joshua micheal allen]

Joshua more than likely looked fairly creepy sitting there on the bench. In the middle of the courtyard. If sitting was what you would call it. He was leaned foreword, elbows
‘resting’ on his knees, and chin ‘sitting’ in the palms of his hands. His eyes burned with a sort of jealousy and longing. To the living he looked tensed, borderline ready to pounce. Truly the boy looked ready to jump at the next person to walk by.

This was what his life had become. He’d sit, or stand, and watch the countless others enjoy the simple things. Breathing, sleeping, eating, embracing. All the simple things. And he couldn’t do a damn one of them. God did he curse the day he accepted a future of this. Why in hell’s name didn’t he chose to simply die. It would all be over with. His soul released. This form, non-existant. Instead he was here. Day after day after day, doing nothing but this. Longing for just the smallest thing.

Of course, had he had the willpower to do any of those things he could enjoy them. He could pick up a ball that had been thrown to far, and toss it back to the group of boys anxiously awaiting its return. He could lay on the grass when it rained and feel every inch of him soak up earths tears. He could give the comforting hug to his weeping friend. He could do all that. Problem was, he’d tried. And apparently he just didn’t want any of it bad enough. Which angered him even more.

Josh spent all of his time mounting animosity towards those who could and yet he still didn’t want it enough? It seemed like a lie. All just one big lie. He wasn’t really there. He was trapped, yes. But in a dream. Where the reality was that he was, indeed, a ghost. And yet the great creator of this dream wished only to tease him. Dangle each and every thing he longed for from a string simply an arms length in front of him. And watch him squirm. It was disgusting really…
But that’s all he could come up with.

Realizing his gaze had latched onto a couple sitting across the yard from him for a bit too long, Joshua finally relaxed. ‘Sitting’ back into the bench and closing his eyes. For the sake of feeling alive he released absent air from his lungs in the form of a sigh.

Dammit, he really needed to come up with a new pastime.

[helena alicia rush]

Lately Helena had found herself exploring the grounds more than usual. She had basically seen it all before, but for some reason she wanted a more in-depth knowledge of everything around here, or at least where places were in the school, and what they held. This might have been her third year here, but she still didn’t know exactly where everything was, so she was deciding to do some of her exploring that she had missed out on before, now.

Strolling around the hallways, she turned into the courtyard. It might not someplace that she hadn’t explored before, but it was one of her more favorite places around the school. It was a good place to just sit and think, not that she needed any more time to think about things, normally when she was left to her thoughts bad things tended to happen. Or she just more confused than she normally was, which was sometimes hard to believe.

The first time that Helena let her eyes scan the courtyard, she saw only a few people, but they were busy talking to each other, so she went about her way, walking slowly around the courtyard. It seemed to be empty, but then again, Helena overlooked things the majority of the time, especially when they were staring her right in the face. She was good at that, a little too good at it, which was probably why she had never actually seen a ghost before, she never looked closely enough.

Coming up to a bench, that at first glance she assumed was empty, she looked more closely at it. Something was there. Or well, someone. It was a ghost. “Um, hello?” she said, taking a seat on the bench next the ghost. She had always wanted to see a ghost before, and this was a first for her. She didn’t really know what else to say, she didn’t want to accidentally offend him or something, and from what she had heard some ghosts could get pretty angry, and you didn’t want that. But she didn’t really know.

[joshua micheal allen]

He must’ve let himself go a bit cause when he opened his eyes there was someone next to him, and she looked a bit frightened…tentative. Josh tried to make as little of a show as possible out of looking at his hands and sure enough he was nearly transparent. He really needed to work on that…’Sitting’ foreword slightly he forced a little color and solidity back into his form, hoping he looked wholly human again and looked at the girl. Hello? Hello? Uhm…

“Hi” he nodded at her, and took the moment to survey the situation. Had he been sitting there the whole time? Had she said something to him before he clicked back in with reality? Sure it was always nice to release his soul a little bit. It was a closest the poor boy could get to sleep. And right now, the stress on his mind had it crying out for sleep. Sleep he couldn’t have. But maybe this time…Maybe he shouldn’t have been doing that here. Around people. Watching a ghost phase between visibility and being invisible wasn’t exactly the most normal thing.

“I’m sorry…uhm…” How awkward. How do you ask someone if you’d been making a fool of yourself? Josh felt monumentally idiotic but regardless he shifted a bit on the bench to look at her. “You didn’t…uh…Was I…I’m Josh.” Great. Poor boy was even losing his social skills. Which, in and of itself, was a depressing thought. His anger vanished like his being and he forced a smile. A smile that before his death he was sure would woo any girl off their feet, but now…would probably just freak them out.

He studied her a moment, she looked thoroughly human. No transparent features. No clearly washed-out skin. Nothing in her eyes or anything else suggested she was anything but pure human. Odd. It’d been a while since he’d seen one of those around here. “Uhm…can I help you?” Now he just sounded rude. Dammit. Please, could anything else go wrong today?

[helena alicia rush]

She didn’t want to stare at the ghost, but she couldn’t help it. She had never seen one before and it..well he…was interesting, the whole transparent thing at least. Helena would have liked to have pulled her eyes off of him, but it was like when she was watching fire, she just couldn’t figure out how exactly to do it. Oh this wasn’t going to be awkward at all was it? First impressions weren’t always her strong point.

Helena nodded back at him, smiling slightly. Watching the ghost was sort of…intriguing, but for some reason she didn’t really want to tell him that, she wasn’t sure if it would be considered a good or a bad thing. She wondered how he could be transparent one second and then almost look solid the next, it was…strange, but interesting. But Helena tended to like strange things, one reason why she liked this school…most of the time anyway.

A soft chuckle escaped her lips as he stumbled over his words. “It’s okay.” she told him, even though she honestly had no clue why he what he was sorry for. “Well, it’s nice to meet you Josh. I’m Helena.” she told him. She was about to hold her hand out or hug him or something, before she remembered he was a ghost, and stopped herself, she didn’t think that that would work out very well. Could you hug a ghost? Or would you just go straight through it? she wasn’t sure and she didn’t really want to figure out right now, it was already awkward enough.

“No, I was just bored,.” she told him. He did sound sort of rude when he had spoken, but she had just brushed it away, he probably had his own reasons for it. “So, what brought you to the courtyard today?” she asked, finally managing to take her eyes off of him for at least a split second.

[joshua micheal allen]

He puzzled a moment over her laugh. Though it too, intrigued him. The boy hadn’t been happy enough to laugh for a long long time. Which, again, was depressing. The effect was backwards. He frowned looking away for a second. A sort of self-loathing in his expression. “Helena.” He repeated her name. As if maybe acknowledging something or someone living might bring back that little tingling feeling you got in your toes when you sat on one leg for too long. Or the fatigue of your limbs after laughing for too long. But no, it didn’t work.

It was evident in her body motions. In her body language, he’d grown especially talented in reading ones thoughts through body language, that she wondered. Wondered what it would be like to touch a ghost. If you could touch a ghost. If he wasn’t so amused he might’ve rolled his eyes. But instead he held out a hand, just the littlest bit hungry too for a little ‘contact’ to feel vaguely her warmth pass through his non-existence. No matter how creepy it sounded.

“Go ahead.” He shook the hand ever-so-slightly and offered up the slightest smile. As he waited he thought about her question. What did bring him to the courtyard? Probably the same thing that brought him anywhere. Joshua was impossibly attracted to life. Poor thing. He sighed, in a vain attempt to look human. His chest never rose before he released the breath, giving away his lack of a need to breath.

“Nothing, really.” There was no way he was about to tell her about this obsession. Simply another way to creep someone out. And he was not going for it. That would totally defeat the purpose of trying to look normal. “How about…um…how about you?” Goodness, it have been a while since he’d really talk to someone. You know, had a conversation. Without the person completely freaking out. Especially a human. They were so used to being terrified of ghost by all those bedtime stories that even the idea of ‘friendly ghost’, though he was no Caspar, was impossible.

[helena alicia rush]

He actually was going to let her try and touch him? She hadn’t expected that, not really. But at least he was the one who offered it; she never would have done anything about her desire to know about touching ghosts otherwise. Normally little things like that didn’t stop her, but she had just met him, and she didn’t know anything about ghosts, so she didn’t really know how to act around one at all, it was all new to her.

She took his hand slowly, barely touching it at first. It was cold, sort of like cold air but slightly more liquidly-solid feeling, though that was barely noticeable. Trying to grab onto it a little more, her hand went straight through his. Pulling it back, a small smile crossed onto her face. “Wow, that was cool. Strange, but cool.” she told him, almost wanting to do it again just for the heck of it.

Helena shrugged, “I was bored and was walking around.” she told him honestly, getting used to him being a ghost and being half-transparent. She actually liked talking to a ghost, at least right now she did, it was basically like talking to anyone else, except you could see through them . “Had never seen a ghost before so I sat down next to you.” she added. It was half true, she was going to sit down anyway before she noticed that he was there also, but it gave her another reason to sit down.

Sighing, her eyes darted around the courtyard, seeing that the few other people had been in here before were now gone, leaving her and Josh here alone. “I thought that I would have seen more ghosts by now, or that at least one of my siblings would have chosen to become a ghost, but since you’re the first one I’ve ever seen, I’m guessing no.” she looked back at him, not really sure why she had just said any of that, but the words had came out of her mouth before she had known what she was doing.

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[joshua micheal allen]

No lies, Josh was enthralled to have something, with life, a human especially ‘touch’ him. It was the most ethereal feeling. Like just for a second, he, or his hand rather, was alive again. Bustling with life. Blood flowed through it. A steady body temperature took place of the previous nothingness. And a sort of real solidity he hadn’t felt in a long time returned. Watching her hand slowly move to his own he just wanted to scream ‘Oh get it over with already!’ Much more eager than he should’ve been. But once it was over he was content. The feeling was intense. One he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

A grin making it’s way to his face he peered at her through transparent eyelashes. “I wouldn’t know. Can’t feel myself.” His smile widened and he ‘leaned’ back into the bench again. If there was some way to warn her, without sounding like a mad lunatic, to never make this choice, he would. Not that he thought this girl would anger anyone here, anytime soon, causing them to harm her in anyway. In fact, she seemed nice. In an otherworldly sort of way. But, unfortunately, he couldn’t come up with anything at the moment.

“Well, is the experience all you hoped it would be?” he couldn’t help but add a little sarcasm to the note. In all honesty, Joshua wasn’t trying to be mean. And he wasn’t naturally mean. He’d just never seen someone so intrigued by…well by a ghost. Like the idea was something extraordinary. When in reality it was like being in prison. Eternally. Trapped in one form. No food, no water, no sleep, no interaction. A special type of cage. Built for one. It. Sucked. And yet, she was intrigued. Amazing…

“Yeah, your siblings were wise….” He muttered looking off at the ground and, for her sake, ‘scratching’ his ear. Which turned into tugged on his hair, which turned into rubbing his face, which turned into scratching his nose. All things he would normally do…if he were human. Not anymore. Dammit…

[helena alicia rush]

Not being able to feel anything? She didn’t really know how she would be able to handle that, she was very fond of feeling things thank you very much. Even though he didn’t really seem all that different from the living, she knew that their weren’t actually that many similarities. “That would suck.” she said, not really thinking about it before the words spilled out of her mouth. Yeah, right now she wasn’t liking the idea of choosing to be a ghost all that much.

Helena shrugged, she hadn’t been excepting much, and really she had no idea what would happen when she sat down. She had no expectations, just curiosity. “I wasn’t really hoping for anything. Just curious.” she told him, looking at a bush nearby, before letting her gaze fall back on him. “Though curiosity isn’t always the best thing to have.” she laughed, her curiosity tended to get her into trouble a lot, but yet she never learned from her mistakes it seemed, because she would always do it again. Normally at least.

She shrugged yet again, she had never really considered her siblings wise, they all managed to somehow end up getting themselves killed. Or just being plain idiots and still wanting to come here anyway, but she kind of falls under that category too. “No offense, but I don’t consider anyone getting themselves killed as wise.” she told him, hoping that she didn’t offend him or anything. Because he was technically dead.

She watched as he tugged on his hair, rubbed his face, and scratched his nose. “What are you doing?” she asked, still watching him. yeah she did pretty much know what he was doing, but it just looked kind of odd, and she had no idea why he was doing it either. They were just normal things, but most people didn’t do them all one right after the other, normally they were more spaced out. From what she’s seen at least.

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[joshua micheal allen]

“Yeah…” It wasn’t her fault. Not all people in this school, or the earth really, had the slightest knowledge about ghosts. So he couldn’t blame her. Though her comment was a bit…depressing. Yeah, it did suck. It was, more or less, like being impaired. Completely. No hands, no arms. And then a completely devastated nervous system. Ok, so he was fairly certain no one had that many impairments. And those exactly. But he still felt that way. And thinking of it that way was almost better than thinking of himself as a ghost. At least in his little twist of things he wouldn’t have to live…forever.

God. He didn’t want to die. “I was an idiot.” He frowned and looked off towards the ground. Seriously? Who the hell angered people on purpose…and then proceeded to get high off his rocker before entering the games? It was suicide. And it worked effectively at that. God he was a real idiot. “I didn’t want to die.” Though he didn’t exactly resent it completely. The event opened his eyes. He wasn’t so foolhardy and idiotic as he had been pre-death. Even though he couldn’t be if he wanted to…

Damn. Not again.
A overtly sheepish smile tugged at the cornered of his lips. “Uh…” Joshua swore his face would be red as a tomato had he any blood in his system. What was he doing? Well…it did help…him. “It just…uh, it makes me feel better.” This was awkward. “More alive.” He didn’t really tell many people that. Probably because he didn’t meet too many new people. And everyone he did know was fully aware of his situation. Therefore they didn’t feel the need to ask.

“I’ll stop.” Josh folded his hands politely in his lap sighing lightly. Hopefully she wouldn’t notice the phony…ness, in that. Poor boy couldn’t sigh. He couldn’t breath. Not even if he tried.

[helena alicia rush]

Really she hadn’t been thinking when she spoke, she didn’t mean to say that being a ghost would suck. Okay, so maybe she did, but she didn’t want to point it out to him, she was pretty sure that he had figured that part out for himself. It didn’t take that much to figure it out really. Though she guessed that he knew that being a ghost sucked before she had figured that out for herself. Oh well, she had already said it anyway, it’s not like she could just take it back, though that would be pretty cool.

Helena listened, not really sure what else to do but look kind of awkward. But hey, that’s pretty much how she always was. “You couldn’t have been that much of an idiot.” she told him, trying to make it a little bit better. At least in her mind. What could he have really done anyway? It couldn’t have been that bad…right? “I don’t think most people actually want to die, if they do, well then they’re just asking for it.” she said, looking at him…or more like through him actually.

A small giggle escaped her lips. “It’s okay. It just looked funny and I tend to be a little too curious sometimes. You don’t have to stop if you don’t want to.” she explained. Watching him was fun, she didn’t know why but it was interesting (to her at least), just watching him. Maybe she just needed something better to do, but of course, being her, she didn’t. Well, anyway, it wasn’t everyday you got to meet a ghost, and definitely not everyday that you met a ghost for the first time ever.

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