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Post by joshua micheal allen on Feb 5, 2009 15:17:20 GMT -5
God he felt horrible. That wasn’t what he had meant at all. He didn’t not…want her. God that wasn’t it at all. He didn’t think it was too much, too soon. He didn’t find her inadequate. He didn’t think they were rushing into something. And he certainly wasn’t uncomfortable. He just…he wanted to be there for her. IN all the ways he couldn’t. And it all seemed a bit unfair. Like he was claiming her. Like he was saying that he, Joshua Michael Allen, needed Remy more than any other being on the planet. And it was so selfish. He couldn’t even have her in the ways he wanted. He couldn’t hold her, or give her random kisses on the nose, or squeeze her hand when she was nervous. HE couldn’t do any of that. He was just there. And the only way to even hold her, it seemed, was when they were…(awkward) aroused. When he was surprised. IT seemed to be the only solution. And all he wanted to do was be able to comfort her. He knew how it must feel to be her. Like you have something and yet you don’t. You’re all alone even when the other is right next to you. And it sucked. No. He couldn’t do this to her. “No,” he repeated, closing his eyes. He wouldn’t do this to her.
Her words had a two-sided reaction. On the one hand…he felt like superman. Invinsible. She loved him. And for some reason that seemed like enough. But at the same time…it was terrible. She shouldn’t love him. Hadn’t they been through this before? He had nothing for her. Nothing to offer. She was completely alone. And she was all he wanted. And he couldn’t even fucking have her. The thought caused an instinctual tightening in his grip, and he took the moment to just survey all those things about her hadn’t quite been able to measure before. How small she felt in his arms, her weight on him, the smell of her hair. What he could feel of her pulse—her beating heart. Because he knew better, he knew the already unnatural laws of ghost-life would take him away just as quickly as he’d arrived. He pulled back to look at her face, “I’m—” The shine in her eyes was almost immediately noticeable. Dammit. “Don’t.” The word came out pained, and his eyebrows knitted together, his finger reaching up to wipe away a tear that had escaped its place in her tear duct.
And just like that his finger sank into her cheek. It was already gone. Goddamnit it was already gone. She rolled away. And he almost wanted to go against everything he’d thought and said previously and get her back, next to him, near him. Pretending like there was some sort of him to lay with. But he couldn’t. For more reason than one.
Then she apologized… “No, no…” He sat up, starting to reach out to her, but immediately pulled his hand back. So much for that… “Don’t apologize. This is my fault.” He crossed his legs and buried his face in his hands momentarily. “I’m afraid…I can’t….I don’t want to do this to you Rem.” He looked up, at her, with pleading eyes, “There is so much more you can have without me. And I feel…I feel like I’m holding you back. Like this…relationship, or whatever you want to call it will only be filled with disappointments. It’ll never succeed. You’ll leave me eventually…or you want and I’ll wish you had. And there’s just…We can’t do this. It’s not…it’s not natural.”
Why on earth did he have to fucking die?
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